Dear Dad,
It has suddenly become very apparent that there are things I need to say to you. As I navigate my life and relationships, I am encountering again and again the themes of rejection and abandonment. I am able to see clearly that these feelings have very little to do with the current relationships in my life and everything to do with you. The root begins with you.
I’ve spent the majority of my life telling myself that you leaving me didn’t really matter. This was a lie. It matters. Your responsibility and accountability as a parent has been completely obliterated by your own choices. Although only you can hold yourself accountable and choose to do better, I’m here to tell you that you have pervasively screwed up. Your choices and mistakes are not mine To claim. I’ve unconsciously been attempting to repair your lack of interest in me by attracting men who are also emotionally and otherwise unavailable, chasing them to prove that I am worthy of their attention. I’m taking responsibility for this repeated pattern on my part and going to the source of the issues instead of the reverberating symptoms.
I think I’ve been waiting my entire life for you to apologize and to own up to your mistakes. I’ve been waiting for you to show even the slightest interest in my existence, to recognize no humanity and to celebrate me as your kid. That I am 35 years old and you have yet to do any of this is a reflection of your ineptitude, not mine. I hereby relinquish any responsibility or feelings of guilt or shame for not being the kind of daughter who was worthy of you sticking around.
The brokenness is yours, not mine. The choice to believe in myself, to claim my right to be loved and celebrated is mine. I’m doing that now.
In Between The Lines 